Willingly Willing It

I’ve had a lot to think about lately.

It's hard to keep up with all the change around me. Friends with whom I swapped notes in Honors 9 are now posing with their new Bachelor's degrees; missionaries who used to teach me at meetings are now adorning white and lace and finding eternal happiness with another person; most of my friends live in new states, are traveling the world -- everything is changing.

Change was undoubtedly something I became nearly desensitized to as a missionary. No day was like the one before. Transfers were a usual part of everyday living. I expected what I least expected. I chose not to assume, and chose to walk the line Heavenly Father was drawing out before me.

I’ll admit—it was easier then. I had no doubt that everything that happened and was said was according to His will. I had complete trust in my leaders. I felt fortified for adversity. That didn’t make my life any easier, but my confidence in the Lord felt unshakable.

Since coming home, I’ve still maintained my faith in God. But, my coming-home experience wasn’t like most missionaries’.

My family had decided to move across the country within the first year of my mission. I figured it was just like transfers; all things worked according to the Lord’s will. If it was meant to work out, it would and I would fully support my family in whatever decision they made. And I have. I have full confidence that this is what the Lord intended for my family.

And yet, there is still a very large part of me fighting to accept that this is what He had intended for me.

Doors close on our faces all the time. Opportunities come and go, and sometimes it feels like we had our hand inside the room when the door crashed on our knuckles. I don’t have an exact answer for why things happen the way they do. I’m also not a pro at always accepting what’s coming my way. But, my mission and the last few months have taught me a few things. I’ve tried to narrow it down to three things that I’ve understood and have helped me more fully understand what it means to follow God’s will.

Be Honest with Him.

My least favorite prayers have been the ones where I’m square on my knees, hands clasped tightly in front of me, curled in a C ready to snap because I am struggling with something so badly and I’m so ashamed of it that I can’t bring myself to say it. I imagine we’ve all been there: a job didn’t work out; a relationship ended; a family member passed; illness crept into the life of someone you love—anything to make you question the Lord’s will. In moments like this, I tend to see Heavenly Father as this chiding parent, arms crossed and waiting for me to slip and make Him mad.

In my walk with my Father, I’ve realized that He’s just my Parent. If I’m angry or upset, I tell Him. And that’s what He wants us to do. Whenever I try to mask my feelings in a prayer, I close feeling unsatisfied and wrong. Heavenly Father already knows how I feel; there is no reason for me to hide it. Telling Him is more for me than it is for Him. It is in those moments of sadness or anger, when we actually tell Him how we’re feeling that we open the gate to receive further instruction and revelation on what He wants us to know. Sometimes we won’t receive it right there on our knees, but as we release those emotions we make room for the Spirit to preside in us.

The more I’ve done that, the more I’ve come to understand where my own anger comes from and where the root of the problem is. Rarely now am I actually angry with Heavenly Father. I’m upset with my circumstances or someone else and that gives me an opportunity to exercise my faith in the Savior and use His Atonement to overcome those challenges. Sometimes we are angry at Heavenly Father. This gives us an opportunity to find a new state of humility. We do these things through the Savior. He’s overcome the world; He can help us overcome our feelings.

He Won’t Make You Do It.

There’s this verse I love in The Book of Mormon. In 2 Nephi 10, we read, “Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves—to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life” (23).

I had no intention of serving a mission growing up.  I had no one in my family who had gone before

me to teach or prepare or inspire me. I distinctly remember watching most of my college friends open mission calls. I was so proud of them, and so naively firm in the thought that I was never going to serve a mission. I always said, “No, that’s not for me. I think God has other things in mind.”

No, He didn’t.

When I received the prompting to pray about a mission, I was scared to the bone. I did not want to do this. Within that first prayer, part of me knew that the answer was going to be yes. But, I wasn’t willing to act on it yet. I was too afraid. I couldn’t believe He would want me to do that and force me to be one of His missionaries.

But that’s the thing—He never did force me. It was completely and always up to me whether or not I wanted to submit my mission papers. And, trust me, I had plenty of reason to shut down the entire process and just stay home. But, I knew that God wanted me to do it. I could not argue with what He wanted me to do; I’ve never regretted following His counsel, so why would I regret this? Again, that was my choice.

That’s something I will always take comfort in when making a decision. Heavenly Father will never, ever force me to do something. He will guide me the right way. If I am living righteously, He will provide for me and walk with me to where I need to go. In living righteously, He will then trust us to make righteous decisions on our own. He gives us tugs and nudges and hints along the way, but never will God ever override my right to choose my path. He wants you to choose a path, and He wants to be a part of it. Consult Him, of course. But don’t be surprised if the still, small voice whispers, “You can choose whatever you feel is right.”

Accepting God’s will is not a series of constantly doing things that you will not want to do. Given, that happens, but sometimes His will is to help you accomplish what you desire. And He will be sure you have everything you need—and you must accept that you don’t always know what those things are. He will provide, and He will hold your hand and walk with you the entire way.

Find Him.

In the event that I am choosing to do something I don’t want to do, I have to scrape and search for Heavenly Father along the path because, goodness, when I am in unfamiliar territory all I want is a shred of something that reminds me of home.

Nothing feels more like home to me than the Spirit. Wherever He is, I know there is light. I know I am safe. If I am feeling snippets of peace—as small and rare as they might be along the way—then I know I’m following the right path. Sometimes things have to be hard. Sometimes things hurt. But, that is why He gave us the Comforter.

Read the scriptures. Pray. See the good in other people. Serve. Find good things around you, and you will find Him. All good things come from God. Heaven is your home. You will find pieces of it as you search for the light instead of clinging to the darkness. Doing this will allow you to more fully accept His will and timing, whatever that may be. He has a plan for you. He knows.

These things probably aren’t new concepts, and Heaven knows I’m not perfect at them. Whatever your struggle, and whatever you may be trying to decide, Heavenly Father will help you. I promise that. There is nothing He cannot help you overcome. I have overcome obstacles I thought would always loom over me, but when I gripped my Savior’s hand and acted, I was able to climb over them.

You can, too.

Seek His will, brothers and sisters. Accept it. Invite it. Breathe.

He’s watching out for you.

Have a good week.